A
people pleaser may believe that if
they ask someone for help and that
person agrees, that person would be
giving out of obligation, not because
they really wanted to. The thinking
goes - if they really wanted to help,
they would have offered without my
asking.
This
line of thinking happens because people
pleasers themselves feel obliged to
help and do not always do things because
they want to. Sadly, people pleasers
have been taught that their worth
depends on doing things for other
people.
It’s painful being a people
pleaser – believe me, I know!
People pleasers are not only very
sensitive to other people’s
feelings, and often take things personally,
but they also rarely focus on themselves.
When
they do take a moment for themselves,
they feel selfish, indulgent, and
guilty which is why they are often
on the go, rushing to get things done.
Because people pleasers accomplish
so much and are easy to get along
with, they are often the first to
be asked to do things - they are vulnerable
to be being taken advantage of.
People
pleasers were most likely raised in
homes where their needs and feelings
were not valued, respected, or considered
important. They were often expected
as children to respond to or to take
care of other people’s needs.
Or they may have been silenced, neglected,
or otherwise abused, thus learning
that their feelings and needs were
not important.
In
many cultures, girls are raised to
be people pleasers - to think of others’
needs first, and to neglect their
own. Many women have at least some
degree of people pleasing in them.
Men who identified with their mothers
often do as well.
People
pleasers’ focus is mostly on
others and away from themselves. They
often feel empty, or don’t know
how they feel, what they think, or
what they want for themselves. But
it’s possible to change this
pattern and to feel better about yourself.
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